The Music of Yesterday

after years of going without an ipod, i have one and am currently updating my music. i am taking old cds and putting them in my itunes. i stumbled upon the last things i own from kaleb... two mix cds from when we were still in love. so of course, i put them in to listen, and am sitting at my computer with such a mixture of feelings crowding my thoughts.

damien rice fills my room, and i am taken back to a time when i loved someone else. it's amazing what time does. i swore i would love kaleb forever, but now i know what i deserve-true, deep, passionate love... and it makes me smile. i thought i knew what love was, but hindsight is 20-20. everything i thought i knew has been turned upside down.

that's not to say i didn't love kaleb. anyone who knows me knows exactly how much i loved him. but the fact of the matter, if it was love, TRUE love, my heart wouldn't have been broken. because true love is selfless. it doesn't cheat.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

a part of me will always love kaleb. you can't love someone that much, that deeply, without it leaving permanent traces on the heart.

Moonbeams dance around the darkness,

Round and round they twirl

Silken silver rays, in dappled forest glades,

To and fro they whirl.

I sit in the silence, peaceful and alone,

But my mind is like the moonlight.

It dances round, not stopping for a turn.

I didn't catch the message in the wind's whisper. 

Did you?

Round and round the light twirls

To and fro it whirls

Try to pin it down…

But it cant be tamed, its only a moonbeam.

Its just like me.

Round and round I twirl

To and for I whirl.

My tears catch the moonlight

As I cry, cry, cry, All for you.

Didn't you know?

For forests make for faraway ears,

And minds scatter like patches of moonlight.

The whole world is spinning,

Taking me with it.

Round and round it twirls,

To and fro it whirls.

And I cant stop it. I wont try to!

Ill lie here, with my back pressed to the earth.

It will spin on without me.

Without me….

Just for awhile until I catch my breath.

Like a merry-go-round ill get back on.

But tonight I need to miss you.

Soon enough I'll forget

With just a scar as a memory.

But for now,

Round and round I twirl

To and fro I whirl.

With the world…

the truth of the matter is, it's just music. i can easily turn it off and walk away.  it's the music of yesterday, and it's no longer relevant. for just a moment i close my eyes and let myself remember, let myself grieve for my loss. but then, i let go. life goes on, and so will i. it's all part of the healing process, the act of learning to love again.

So goodnight moonbeams,Dance on all night,

twirling, whirling, sweet dreams, Goodnight.

The trouble with girls...

recently i have a few arguments with friends that have made me rethink the value i place on friendships. one friendship will most likely not survive, the other two i know will. there are some things you just don't say, no matter how angry you get, and it's important to always be honest with your friends-even if it hurts. i hate being lied to/about. trust is a key factor in any friendship.
how do i know this?

because.

i have loved and lost many friends. people often don't think about the different impact words will have on me, because most of my loved ones just think of me as, well.... me.
but i'm different now.
once you have been where i've been, and experienced the kind of loss at the magnitude i have, things change.
i place a much greater value on friendship than most people do, and quite honestly, i expect more out of my friends than most people do. why? because i have had horrible things occur to me. things that friends should never do.
my freshman year i was in an abusive relationship with a boy named chris. it's very unusual for me to write his name out, because a little over a year ago, chris died. he was in a car wreck with a few of his friends, a car he was driving, and to my knowledge, all of the passengers were killed. it's so strange to me that many people grieved at the loss of this young man because i viewed him in a very different light.
i still grieve for his family, and i feel pain at the loss, yes. and i would never EVER wish death upon another person. but when i think of chris, i do not think of him fondly.

when i first met chris, he was in my father's jrotc class. he was a freshman in high school and i was in eighth grade at valley springs middle school. i was immediately smitten.
chris was outspoken, loud, outgoing and the life of the party. he was the class clown, hung out with the "in crowd," played football, and was quite the rebel. i thought he was perfect.
our relationship was on and off for over a year, and as our relationship grew stronger, i was slowly destroyed.
i don't believe anyone understood the extent to which chris verbally abused me. but how could they? chris was so charming no one suspected it, and i had no idea at the time that anything was wrong. this was the way people loved each other. it's just passion.
coming out of middle school, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. i had been bullied and belittled, and i was not proud of who i was. when chris paid attention to me, i loved it. i ate it up. i was just happy to not blend in! i was thrilled someone took notice of me.
little by little as our relationship continued, chris began to chip away pieces of my confidence and self-worth, breaking and working away at me as if i was nothing but stone he could form into whatever he wanted. but the truth is, he broke away too much.
chris constantly threatened to leave me. sadly, i was so dependent upon him that i would do anything to make him stay. i would beg, i would cry, i would grovel. he would leave long enough to screw someone else, and then come back, "baby, i'm sorry. i love you. i need you."
i was trapped in his web with no means of escape.
about our third month of dating was the first time he hit me. it wasn't a big deal. he just shoved me up against a wall and my head cracked against the brick. it wasn't like he actually outright hit me... right?
my parents began to beg me to break up with him. you can do better. he's a bad influence.

things got worse.

the things he did... well, that's for another story. i don't think i can bear to make myself write them down. but just know that chris had me believing i needed him to survive, that i was nothing without him. he pushed me into walls, shoved me off chairs, slapped me across the face, pulled my hair and twisted my wrist. but that was nothing compared to the verbal abuse designed to make me need him, to beg for him, to believe i would die without him. this was a place many boyfriends after him would take me. a place i remained until i moved to colorado. in this place i was alone, i was weak, i was depressed. constantly suicidal and jumping from relationship to relationship, i believed i needed a man to take care of me, and i would give away whatever he wanted from me if he would just stay.

however, i am so proud i kept my virginity. that tiny bit of self-worth and value remained.

i had lost most of my friends in the duration of chris and my relationship, but two friends i still had were "lily" and "nina." (names have been changed)
these girls were essentially my only two friends and my lifeline. i loved them dearly, and i still love them today. because when you have a friendship that close, you never forget.

i remember one night the three of us snuck out of nina's house in our pjs and walked to the ymca and sat on the curb. it was the end of summer, with a kind of wet heat that makes your shirt cling to your skin, the air so heavy you can almost taste it. that time of summer where it's the last bite and you have to savor it before it's gone. the three of sat on the curb facing the mountains and watched the heat lightning roll over the mountains, the moist asphalt warm beneath our bare feet from a late-night summer shower. we literally watched summer as it passed us by. we talked about life and love and where we would go... and we promised to always be there for each other. no matter what. it is one of my favorite memories of my lifetime. i felt alive, loved and cherished.

i started high school a little after that, and months of my freshman year passed. that beautiful night's memory shattered when nina had sex with chris and our friendship was scattered with the fall leaves. lily, nina and i would never be the same.

that's how i started high school.
here i was thinking everything would be better and no one would pick on me and high school would be so much better. and i lost the first ever true friendship i had.

back to my point.

avery, my closest friend from middle school was the only one who stood by me when i was assaulted. she then slept with my boyfriend of a year, kaleb.
my longtime christian friend, jerry, told me that he wasn't picking sides, those boys he had to play with on the football team. he never spoke to me again and watched as those same boys destroyed my life.
sarah, a friend who i had known since the first day of sixth grade told me i was a drama queen and i deserved the treatment.

finally, one friend, who i thought my closest friend, made the phone call to me on the night my grandmother died. this friend knowingly called me and led me to hell. this friend called me to come get her, and when i arrived, there i was gang raped.
i know it's harsh. i know that word makes you cringe. but there it is. my best friend led me to the event that completely altered my life, and nearly ended it. my best friend is the reason i still struggle today. my friend intentionally led me to my death.

friend after friend after friend who promised they would stand by me deserted me. i now speak to maybe four people from asheville, all of whom care enough to stick around.

i have learned this lesson the hardest way possible. i have been dragged through hell and back. i have learned how to defend myself. i have learned what friendships are worth keeping, and which are not. i have been betrayed in horrible, horrible ways many times over.

as for the arguments...
i swore i would never again put myself in a situation where i would let someone hurt me like that again. i have come too close to ending my own life too many times. i never want to give someone else that power again.


i know what a true friend is. and after all these years... i have so many. it was worth the wait. it was worth the pain. and if i had to do it again, i would. because every one of you was worth it.

Fighting with Myself

I have gained five pounds.
No, REALLY.

I have become so ridiculously apathetic and uncaring, I lost sight of my goals and gained five pounds. I spend my mornings (actually, the majority of my day) sleeping, then I watch TV, I work, and I eat. A LOT.

I weigh 187.5 pounds. My body has 63 pounds of pure fat, about 37% of my total body mass.

That is not an exaggeration. So, let's lay down some ground rules, shall we?

1.) When you're hungry, eat. Restricting yourself and starving yourself will lead to overeating later.
2.) Eat slowly. Your body needs to tell your brain it's full.
3.) Use smaller plates.
4.) FOCUS on your food. Seriously. don't mindlessly eat in front of the boob tube.
5.) Can't control it? Don't buy it.
6.) Forgive yourself.

So, let's start over. I begin my change TODAY. Wish me luck!
<3

Gingerly Made: How and Why to Can Your Food

just thought i'd share a post i found! i'm trying to get into canning myself. we'll see how it goes.

Gingerly Made: How and Why to Can Your Food:  Canning food is an important part of homesteading. But the truth is, it takes more time and effort to can than freeze your excess food. A...

Baked Alaska

i think it's about time i finally posted a recipe on here!
i love to bake, not neccessarily for the cooking part of it as much as making people happy. people love food, and if you love someone, you nourish them... both physically, with a full belly, or spiritually.

two great dessert features are meringue(as in the fluffy white stuff on a lemon meringue pie), and strawberry ice cream. well, i found an awesome recipe that combines both of those, and made it for the first time tonight. needless to say, it was quite a hit. the photo creds go to muah and my plain-old-not-high-tech-phone, and the alaska in the photos i DID in fact make.

i have altered this recipe to be a high alititude recipe. so if you're baking below 5,000 feet, increase the baking powder to 2 tsp. and use a two tbs. less milk.
*hint:if you bake a lot, buy egg whites in bulk! not only does it save from buying cartons an cartons of eggs, but it's less wasteful.
*tip: you can also use strawberry yogurt, or any other flavor ice cream!

4 cups strawberry ice cream, softened
1 cup flour (not self rising. you can also substitute wheat flour, which is what i do)
3/4 cup sugar, divided
1 1/2 tsp. Baking Powder
4oz. Cream Cheese (that's half a box)
1/3 cup, plus 2 tbs. milk
1 cup sliced fresh strawberries
4 egg whites
1/8 tsp. cream of tartar (if you don't know what this is, it is in the spice aisle!)


SPOON ice cream into foil-lined 1-1/2-qt. bowl. i suggest also spraying some cooking oil in there as well. pack firmly into bowl with back of spoon. Freeze 6 hours or overnight.

HEAT oven to 425ºF. Mix flour, 3 Tbsp. sugar and baking powder in medium bowl. Cut in cream cheese with pastry blender or 2 knives until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in milk until mixture forms dough. Pat dough onto bottom of 8-inch round pan sprayed with cooking spray. Bake 12 to 13 min. or until lightly browned. Meanwhile, toss strawberries with 1 Tbsp. of the remaining sugar. use LOTS of strawberries! they're the best part.

COOL cake 10 min.; remove from pan to wire rack. Cool completely.

HEAT oven to 500ºF. Beat egg whites and cream of tartar with mixer on high speed 1 min. or until foamy. Gradually add remaining sugar, beating 3 min. or until stiff peaks form.

PLACE cake on ovenproof plate; top with strawberries and juice. Unmold ice cream; place, flat-side down, over cake. Frost ice cream with meringue; swirl with back of large spoon. Bake on lowest oven rack 3 min. or until meringue is golden brown. Serve immediately.

And voila! you have a delicious strawberry shortcake baked alaska. although it does take a little time to make, it's kind of hard to mess up too badly, which makes it good for inexperienced chefs. let me know what you think!

Gramps

one of the things that i am TRULY passionate about is cooking. i like to think i got the cooking gene from maternal grandfather, gramps. when he was alive, there wasn't a moment when he wasn't in the kitchen. his closest version of "salad" was potato salad, and "fruits" consisted of dishes like fried apples. most things served in his kitchen could be fried, smothered in gravy and loaded with half-a-shaker-of-pepper.

one of my fondest memories of my gramps was when we'd go and visit him in the holler. when i heard him get up, around 5AM, i would creep out into the living room and lay down on the big brown couch. because he lived in a trailer, it was cramped, and i could see directly into the kitchen, which was essentially a long strip with cupboards and a stove. i would drift in and out of conciousness, the clock chiming every half hour, listening to him move about. around 6AM he would start breakfast. i could smell the potatoes frying, the biscuits rising... he wasn't one to hum like my gran. he was silent, peaceful and patient. (which, if you ask any of my relatives, patient was not a word they typically used to describe him)

breakfast was usually ready by 7:30 or 8:00, and i would get off the couch and help gramps set the table. every morning there was a feast. biscuits and gravy, pork chops, bacon, sausage, eggs(over easy for him, scrambled for me), fried apples, homemade jam, black coffee(for him), chocolate milk(for me).

it's amazing what we take for granted. i miss my gramps' hands. they were worn and cracked, dark like leather, short nails... big and strong, just like him. i miss how excited i was when i finally got big enough to wrap my arms around his big, round belly. the last time we saw him before he died, he was so frail and thin. for the first time ever, i was afraid i would break him.



there isn't a day that goes by where i don't miss him.


but honestly, i know there isn't a moment that passes where he isn't with me in the kitchen, patiently watching me butcher recipes, and teaching me the best way he knew how... silently.

Honesty

In an effort to be honest with myself and how unhealthy I've become, I've taken very honest photos. There is no sucking in, no photoshop, I have nothing to hide. This isn't about embarassing myself into action. This is about taking better care of the temple God has placed in my care. Obviously, I have not been making good, healthy decisions, and it's time to change that. I'm not humiliated by these photos-because this is only in a moment in time. It will be brief, and I will never again allow myself to do this to my body. These are only the "before." So follow me as a journey to the "after" as I turn my life completely around. Take a good look, you'll never see it again!

A Rite of Passage

I thought I would share this. I have never met Ashley personally, but I do follow her blog, Little Blue Boo. Last fall, after having a miscarriage earlier in the year, Ashley and her husband tried to get pregnant again. This time, her pregnancy resulted in a rare form of cancer called Choriocarcinoma.
This form of cancer spreads quickly, and Ashley’s case has been no different. She is fighting, living joyfully and gracefully in spite of the ways it has challenged her faith and impacted her family.

A few weeks ago, she shaved her head. That beautiful head of long blonde hair.

I know this is a normal step for most cancer-fighters and so many women go through the same process with such strength.
Ashley documented this rite of passage, as she calls it, in this touching video. Seriously, you should watch it.
Just think about how blessed you are.

Rite of Passage - Shaving my Head from Ashley Hackshaw on Vimeo.

Things to Never Apologize For...

So, I've been having a difficult few weeks. Nothing in particular that I know of, I've just felt a little bit off balance. Maybe part of it is that I'm still accepting the loss of my Gramps, as well as my Gran, but in two very different ways. Maybe I'm coming to terms with the fact that not everyone has a reason for disliking me, and there's actually nothing wrong with that. Maybe my heart is just forever healing, but if I try to speed up the process(as I have done recently), the stitches are ripped out, and I have to start at square one.

Maybe life has caught up with me.

I suppose the wounds I carry are all too visible. I am slow to trust. I have episodes. I cry, and I hurt, and I mourn all too deeply for losses too shallow. But I'm just tired of losing at all. It seems as soon as I get solid footing, something trips me up; I'm so afraid of being back in the darkness I once inhabited, I have a tendency to overreact. Yet, people don't understand-where you see a small ripple, I see a tidal wave.
I have lost so much, I stand, terrified of losing anything. I know how quickly things can get out of hand, and if I lose control of any aspect of my life, I risk losing it all.

SO.

I've made a decision. For once, I'm not going to be a doormat.
That's not to say that I won't be extremely-hyper-sensitive-touchy-feely-weepy-and-emotional. I'm proud to say that's a huge part of who I am, and it's not going to change. Feeling is not a crime.

BUT.

I have found that I always apologize-even if I'm not in the wrong. Look out world!
Because I'm finally going to stand for something, and stand firm.

Things to NEVER Apologize For. Period.

1.) Not apologizing when you feel you are in the right. Just because someone else says you're wrong DOESN'T MEAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE. Who is to tell you how to live your life? Have they walked a mile in your worn shoes? I highly doubt it.

2.)Taking a "you" day for no good reason. For goodness sake, we all need it. Shirk your damn duties. It's your choice.

3.) Venting. Now, gossip is mean and hateful. But sometimes you get hurt, and you need to bitch it out. Go ahead. That's what friends are for.

4.) Making an "unwise" decision because you feel it is right. Self explanatory. No one is you but.... you. Make your own decisions.

5.) Being just an outright bitch. That's right, I sent you a very bitchy email. You really hurt my feelings, and you made me cry. Can anyone blame me for being short? I've always been the nice girl, and sometimes it just doesn't get you anywhere.

6.) Crying a little. Crying is NOT a sign of weakness. It means you're a human. I have been hurt SOOOOOOOOOO many times in my life... I think I'm entitled to a little grief. My pride, my friendships, my free will, my home... So yes, I can cry over something as silly as someone complaining about me behind my back. I mourn for your ignorance, and I cry for your inability to see the pain you have caused me.

7.) Being YOURSELF. Even if that means using curse words on your blog, knowing your mother is probably going to ask why you felt the need to, that is extremely inappropriate. Sometimes is feels good to vomit onto the keyboard and send your deepest feelings into cyberspace. And you can only pray that someone, somewhere, will relate, and not condemn you for speaking your mind.

SO.

That's my two.... err.... seventy five cents. Enjoy, or don't.

Follow my quest!