So, I've been having a difficult few weeks. Nothing in particular that I know of, I've just felt a little bit off balance. Maybe part of it is that I'm still accepting the loss of my Gramps, as well as my Gran, but in two very different ways. Maybe I'm coming to terms with the fact that not everyone has a reason for disliking me, and there's actually nothing wrong with that. Maybe my heart is just forever healing, but if I try to speed up the process(as I have done recently), the stitches are ripped out, and I have to start at square one.
Maybe life has caught up with me.
I suppose the wounds I carry are all too visible. I am slow to trust. I have episodes. I cry, and I hurt, and I mourn all too deeply for losses too shallow. But I'm just tired of losing at all. It seems as soon as I get solid footing, something trips me up; I'm so afraid of being back in the darkness I once inhabited, I have a tendency to overreact. Yet, people don't understand-where you see a small ripple, I see a tidal wave.
I have lost so much, I stand, terrified of losing anything. I know how quickly things can get out of hand, and if I lose control of any aspect of my life, I risk losing it all.
SO.
I've made a decision.
For once, I'm not going to be a doormat.
That's not to say that I won't be extremely-hyper-sensitive-touchy-feely-weepy-and-emotional.
I'm proud to say that's a huge part of who I am, and it's not going to change. Feeling is not a crime.
BUT.
I have found that I always apologize-even if I'm not in the wrong.
Look out world!
Because I'm finally going to stand for something, and stand firm.
Things to NEVER Apologize For. Period.
1.) Not apologizing when you feel you are in the right.
Just because someone else says you're wrong DOESN'T MEAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE. Who is to tell you how to live your life? Have they walked a mile in your worn shoes? I highly doubt it.
2.)Taking a "you" day for no good reason.
For goodness sake, we all need it. Shirk your damn duties. It's your choice.
3.) Venting.
Now, gossip is mean and hateful. But sometimes you get hurt, and you need to bitch it out. Go ahead. That's what friends are for.
4.) Making an "unwise" decision because you feel it is right.
Self explanatory. No one is you but.... you. Make your own decisions.
5.) Being just an outright bitch.
That's right, I sent you a very bitchy email. You really hurt my feelings, and you made me cry. Can anyone blame me for being short? I've always been the nice girl, and sometimes it just doesn't get you anywhere.
6.) Crying a little.
Crying is NOT a sign of weakness. It means you're a human. I have been hurt SOOOOOOOOOO many times in my life... I think I'm entitled to a little grief. My pride, my friendships, my free will, my home... So yes, I can cry over something as silly as someone complaining about me behind my back. I mourn for your ignorance, and I cry for your inability to see the pain you have caused me.
7.) Being YOURSELF.
Even if that means using curse words on your blog, knowing your mother is probably going to ask why you felt the need to, that is extremely inappropriate. Sometimes is feels good to vomit onto the keyboard and send your deepest feelings into cyberspace. And you can only pray that someone, somewhere, will relate, and not condemn you for speaking your mind.
SO.
That's my two.... err.... seventy five cents.
Enjoy, or don't.
