Yet Another

It’s impossible to say what’s next Currently, to take one breath And another And another To remind my aching heart to continue to beat While my mind screams for release And I lay Shaking Cold Empty on the floor To he, a game To me, my life And I was a casualty Nothing more, I suppose. His friends who mocked me For my silly photos Silly videos Silly girl Yet, I thought that’s what he loved My passion My childlike innocence My laughter My naivety My zest for life My hunger for adventure and experience Me.
But he loved nothing
I suppose
But his own selfish desires
Not knowing with every breath he drew
I was counting on him
To be the man I knew he could be
To be different
To be the one who finally saw me and loved me for who I am
Who caressed these fermenting thoughts
Trapped in rotting flesh
Who would nurture back to life
The sweet, careless girl
Reckless, in love He was my breath My light And I managed to lose myself in him The permeable membrane All to eager to give it all And now I am left with nothing He, not knowing Me, not seeing That no one can love me But myself.

Sex Education

A Letter to the Moon

I am tired of allowing you to make me cry.

I swore I would never let anyone put me in this position again. It’s all you do.

You mock me, you blame me, you know exactly what buttons to push to get me upset. And the worst part it, I always blame myself. Whether or not I should is up for debate.

But this is what happens with the turning of each page, the close of each month. I watch you fall out of love with me all over again. 

And no matter what I do, how many letters I write, songs I croon to you, how much I make time for you, offerings I make to your glow, nights I howl at your retreating and rising figure… you lose your emotional intimacy with me. I grow clingy, you push away. And when I’m upset I no longer absorb any of the love you have reserved for me, because I so clearly see the absence of it more.

You’re holding out on me.

There’s more to give.

It’s not enough.

I find myself hating you for not loving me like you do when we’re together.

The moon becomes a stranger once more.

Because my love for you is constant – it does not wax and wane with the passing of time. I can hold onto the memory of holding you like it would save my life.

But you… you cannot.

There will not always be a tomorrow to save the day.

There will not always be a plane to carry me to you.

One day there will be too much time insulating us from one another.

And that is the day you will stop loving me.

Until then, faithfully yours I remain. 

Skin

Flesh stretched over muscle

 ligament

and bone

Intended to protect

Instead imprisons

Skin

A face,

A body unrecognizable

Sunken eyes gazing back in the mirror

Dull

and lifeless

A plastered smile disappears

The mask dropped,

 but the hurt remains

I stand under the stream of water,

empty

Scrub it away,

 rough

 and harsh

Tightening across my limbs

Glistening wet

Skin

Trapped within my own body

My very identity as a girl,

ripped away

I became a woman…

 through no choice of my own

Tissue tearing

Blood staining

Arms flailing

Tearing at tissue

As though I could wash away the feeling

Goddamn skin

Fingers bleeding

 have a mind of their own

My own touch disgusts me

Skin

I remember how gently Daddy used to wash my hair

Soap now has a different purpose

The limbs,

the organs

Membrane stretched across

Filth,

rot,

decay

Within my very soul

All the bubbles in the world cannot wash away the shame

Skin

Lungs straining

Bones encasing

My very breath suffocating

Weeping for the loss of control of my life…

No longer mine

Skin

NO.

You

cannot fuck away my innocence

You

cannot own my corpse

You

cannot tell me my body is not my own

You

cannot keep me silent

Enclosed within ribs

Another organ

Trapped and safe beneath

Skin

It beats incessantly

on and on

From final breath and back

To when I lived within another

It has thumped within the cavity

It calls home

It is broken

It is misused

But unlike skin… it is mine.

Despite your efforts to maim my body

Take my virtue

Screw me into silence

Rape a girl into a woman

Skin

It mocks you

Safe within my chest

Beating on, my willpower

I will survive

I will thrive

Heart.

A Letter to my Ex

After almost 8 months of dealing with the finality of what you have done, as well as the end of our once strong relationship, I am no longer angry. I pity you.

So eager to pass the blame and call me a liar, you have turned out to be so much like other exes you once mocked. “We’ll never be like that. Those guys are idiots.” Why yes, yes they are.

You see, it is far easier to demonstrate anger rather than guilt. And I know that what you have become has to be a source of guilt for you.

I have watched as you begged for forgiveness, pleaded that I take you back. But, I have stood strong in my decision.

You see, darling, we outgrew one another. It doesn’t mean that what we had was meaningless; it doesn’t mean that I’ll ever stop loving you. But as I grew stronger in my walk to find myself, you slowly slipped into your indiscretions, and I no longer wanted to have to forgive you for continually hurting me. I realized… I deserve more than that.

Recently, that sad little boy who implored me to forgive him turned bitter. The things you said to me were cruel and hateful and entirely untrue. I stood on the sidelines and observed the once kind, sweet, loving young man who proposed to me was warped by anger and resentment.

As I wept for the loss of any resemblance to the person I once loved, something within me snapped. WHY am I feeling guilty for hurting you, when you have only hurt yourself? Why do I grieve for the old you, when he is no longer within you? And why, after breaking off our engagement many, many months ago, am I still allowing you to hurt me? You know me, and you know the person I am. I am kind, trustworthy, loyal, giving and fully loving.

I understand that you spoke out of anger. And when I was shaking in pain, crying in my mother’s arms, weak and vulnerable for the first time in many years, screaming that I hate you… I realized that I don’t hate you at all. I feel so, so sorry for you.

You took something beautiful, and your selfishness destroyed it. I understand that by demolishing something with your own hands, you feel the need to lash out because the burden is far too heavy. But I am no longer there to carry it for you… you have ensured that.

It’s time for you to move on. Let go of your anger and hatred before it destroys you. You should have been spending this time introspectively, learning who you are and growing through our breakup. Instead you have spent your time alternating between pining for me and hating me-which often involved lashing out at me, and succeeding in cutting me deeply.

As for me, I’m done playing your game. I am learning to be happy again. I have amazing things ahead of me, and I have a great capacity for love that I will not squander any longer.

Mostly, I will NOT apologize for loving myself when you could not.

I loved myself enough to leave, in spite of loving you. But you see-love is not selfish. Your love should have made me stronger, but in the end, there was no longer any to be found.

So, goodbye my dear. It’s time for you to learn to love yourself first. I can no longer hold the mirror for my love to pour onto your own self-reflection. I will remember you always, and I have no regrets. We learned so much from one another.

LET IT GO.

“So love me. So Miss me. Send me love and light every time you think of me… then drop it. It won’t last forever. Nothing does.”

You will survive, and you will be stronger for it.

"I am learning to trust the journey, even when I do not understand it." -Mila Bron

Doggone Tired

I recently received my first “pawprint” pin, meaning I have completed over 200 hours of community service with the Humane Society. I was thrilled, but it is also bittersweet.

You see, every Saturday, I go to the Humane Society of the Pike’s Peak Region in an attempt to give back to the community. But often, I leave upset and even angered at the treatment of many of the animals there.

I participate in “TLC”-which stands for Twice Loved Canines. These are dogs with “behavioral” problems who we work to train to put back in the community. So, you envision a rowdy dog, one who needs a firm hand, right? Wrong. The majority of the dogs that are in the programs are skittish and fearful due to abuse. Week after week I work with these dogs, patiently having to train dogs to trust humans again, when quite honestly-dogs are the most trusting, loyal creatures on the face of the planet.

So many people in our community are cruel and careless with the lives of animals, and I see that hurt reflected in the eyes of so many dogs.

We have people come in and get frustrated because the HSPPR euthanizes dogs. You have to understand, there is no other way.

Typically, dogs that are euthanized are both sick and old, show signs of aggression that is harmful to others, or most commonly, they weren’t adopted in 8 months. Once they hit the 6 month mark, dogs are placed in the “lonely hearts” club. We place a sign to be viewed through the window, illustrating that they have been in the shelter for a long time. But ultimately, dogs that aren’t adopted within 4 months will not find homes.

So why euthanize them? Why not keep them in the shelter?

First, our funds are produced mainly through adoption fees or limited funding through the government. The fee you pay when you adopt an animal covers a portion of what it cost to keep them there. More “adoptable” dogs are given higher fees (ex: puppies) so that we can lower the fees on older dogs who may have more difficult times finding homes.

The longer an animal stays with us, the more they are taking funds from dogs that have a chance to get worked into the system and find homes. And honestly, would you want to continue living in a cramped space, scared as other dogs howl around you, and sometimes only get to be taken out once or twice a day? We have limited space, maxing out at about 300 dogs, 150 cats, 25 rabbits, turtles, or birds and maybe 50 rodents. The design of the kennels are solely for accommodating as many dogs as possible and functionality, as they are obviously neither spacious nor comfortable. They are meant as a usable living space for an animal for a limited amount of time.

The Humane Society is meant to be a temporary fix for a permanent problem… growing animal populations. We are not meant to be a boarding house for the duration of ANY animal’s life.

In the United States, 6-8 million animals enter the shelter system within a single year. That is more than the (human) ENTIRE NEW YORK CITY POPULATION. There are as many as 300,000 animals euthanized in Colorado per year. Do you see a predicament?

WE created the problem. We breed animals and abandoned them. We teach them dependence, and then desert them because life is “too stressful.” Most dogs are domesticated, and simply cannot live on the streets and fend for themselves.

So my advice?

First, a dog is a commitment-much like marriage or a child. Do not enter into the commitment unless you are prepared for the responsibility that comes with it.

Secondly, if something DOES come up, do NOT send your animal to a shelter. It is YOUR responsibility as your dog’s FAMILY to find them a HOME, not take them somewhere convenient for you. Don’t say, “Oh, Sally will get adopted. She’s a great dog!” Bullshit. Shelters can be stressful for dogs. They have limited human interaction, and you essentially deserted them. Sally isn’t going to be herself. She’s going to be scared and alone, and may not get adopted. Would you like it if your parents did that to you?

Finally, get your dogs FIXED. Yes, puppies are adorable, and breeders make good dough. But why would you want more animals to be continually brought into the world, when there are literally THOUSANDS starving? You want another dog? Great! Adopt one, and give them another chance at life. By fixing your dog, you are decreasing the amount of homeless pets, improving your pet’s health, and pretty much saving the world. (In my eyes!)

My rant is over, but remember… your dog depends on you for happiness, food, a home and family. You are his entire world, and that’s a great honor. Don’t let him down.

And as always, support your local shelter. We may be only a bandaid, a temporary fix, but we are trying to make a difference in these dogs’ lives.

“A person’s a person, no matter how small,” Horton Hears a Who.

Friendship

recently, i have learned that people i trusted and depended on do not value me the way i had hoped. as i went through difficult times, i watched as they alienated me and left me to overcome obstacles alone.
on the other hand, i watched other friends support me and love me, and truly step up to the plate when i needed them.
however, i happened upon this article and it got me to thinking. why would i continue to put myself out there when those individuals have shown they don't know what it means to be a friend?
just... food for thought. a true friend would never abandon you in your time of need.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/07/21/9-things-a-true-friend-would-never-do/