The trouble with girls...

recently i have a few arguments with friends that have made me rethink the value i place on friendships. one friendship will most likely not survive, the other two i know will. there are some things you just don't say, no matter how angry you get, and it's important to always be honest with your friends-even if it hurts. i hate being lied to/about. trust is a key factor in any friendship.
how do i know this?

because.

i have loved and lost many friends. people often don't think about the different impact words will have on me, because most of my loved ones just think of me as, well.... me.
but i'm different now.
once you have been where i've been, and experienced the kind of loss at the magnitude i have, things change.
i place a much greater value on friendship than most people do, and quite honestly, i expect more out of my friends than most people do. why? because i have had horrible things occur to me. things that friends should never do.
my freshman year i was in an abusive relationship with a boy named chris. it's very unusual for me to write his name out, because a little over a year ago, chris died. he was in a car wreck with a few of his friends, a car he was driving, and to my knowledge, all of the passengers were killed. it's so strange to me that many people grieved at the loss of this young man because i viewed him in a very different light.
i still grieve for his family, and i feel pain at the loss, yes. and i would never EVER wish death upon another person. but when i think of chris, i do not think of him fondly.

when i first met chris, he was in my father's jrotc class. he was a freshman in high school and i was in eighth grade at valley springs middle school. i was immediately smitten.
chris was outspoken, loud, outgoing and the life of the party. he was the class clown, hung out with the "in crowd," played football, and was quite the rebel. i thought he was perfect.
our relationship was on and off for over a year, and as our relationship grew stronger, i was slowly destroyed.
i don't believe anyone understood the extent to which chris verbally abused me. but how could they? chris was so charming no one suspected it, and i had no idea at the time that anything was wrong. this was the way people loved each other. it's just passion.
coming out of middle school, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. i had been bullied and belittled, and i was not proud of who i was. when chris paid attention to me, i loved it. i ate it up. i was just happy to not blend in! i was thrilled someone took notice of me.
little by little as our relationship continued, chris began to chip away pieces of my confidence and self-worth, breaking and working away at me as if i was nothing but stone he could form into whatever he wanted. but the truth is, he broke away too much.
chris constantly threatened to leave me. sadly, i was so dependent upon him that i would do anything to make him stay. i would beg, i would cry, i would grovel. he would leave long enough to screw someone else, and then come back, "baby, i'm sorry. i love you. i need you."
i was trapped in his web with no means of escape.
about our third month of dating was the first time he hit me. it wasn't a big deal. he just shoved me up against a wall and my head cracked against the brick. it wasn't like he actually outright hit me... right?
my parents began to beg me to break up with him. you can do better. he's a bad influence.

things got worse.

the things he did... well, that's for another story. i don't think i can bear to make myself write them down. but just know that chris had me believing i needed him to survive, that i was nothing without him. he pushed me into walls, shoved me off chairs, slapped me across the face, pulled my hair and twisted my wrist. but that was nothing compared to the verbal abuse designed to make me need him, to beg for him, to believe i would die without him. this was a place many boyfriends after him would take me. a place i remained until i moved to colorado. in this place i was alone, i was weak, i was depressed. constantly suicidal and jumping from relationship to relationship, i believed i needed a man to take care of me, and i would give away whatever he wanted from me if he would just stay.

however, i am so proud i kept my virginity. that tiny bit of self-worth and value remained.

i had lost most of my friends in the duration of chris and my relationship, but two friends i still had were "lily" and "nina." (names have been changed)
these girls were essentially my only two friends and my lifeline. i loved them dearly, and i still love them today. because when you have a friendship that close, you never forget.

i remember one night the three of us snuck out of nina's house in our pjs and walked to the ymca and sat on the curb. it was the end of summer, with a kind of wet heat that makes your shirt cling to your skin, the air so heavy you can almost taste it. that time of summer where it's the last bite and you have to savor it before it's gone. the three of sat on the curb facing the mountains and watched the heat lightning roll over the mountains, the moist asphalt warm beneath our bare feet from a late-night summer shower. we literally watched summer as it passed us by. we talked about life and love and where we would go... and we promised to always be there for each other. no matter what. it is one of my favorite memories of my lifetime. i felt alive, loved and cherished.

i started high school a little after that, and months of my freshman year passed. that beautiful night's memory shattered when nina had sex with chris and our friendship was scattered with the fall leaves. lily, nina and i would never be the same.

that's how i started high school.
here i was thinking everything would be better and no one would pick on me and high school would be so much better. and i lost the first ever true friendship i had.

back to my point.

avery, my closest friend from middle school was the only one who stood by me when i was assaulted. she then slept with my boyfriend of a year, kaleb.
my longtime christian friend, jerry, told me that he wasn't picking sides, those boys he had to play with on the football team. he never spoke to me again and watched as those same boys destroyed my life.
sarah, a friend who i had known since the first day of sixth grade told me i was a drama queen and i deserved the treatment.

finally, one friend, who i thought my closest friend, made the phone call to me on the night my grandmother died. this friend knowingly called me and led me to hell. this friend called me to come get her, and when i arrived, there i was gang raped.
i know it's harsh. i know that word makes you cringe. but there it is. my best friend led me to the event that completely altered my life, and nearly ended it. my best friend is the reason i still struggle today. my friend intentionally led me to my death.

friend after friend after friend who promised they would stand by me deserted me. i now speak to maybe four people from asheville, all of whom care enough to stick around.

i have learned this lesson the hardest way possible. i have been dragged through hell and back. i have learned how to defend myself. i have learned what friendships are worth keeping, and which are not. i have been betrayed in horrible, horrible ways many times over.

as for the arguments...
i swore i would never again put myself in a situation where i would let someone hurt me like that again. i have come too close to ending my own life too many times. i never want to give someone else that power again.


i know what a true friend is. and after all these years... i have so many. it was worth the wait. it was worth the pain. and if i had to do it again, i would. because every one of you was worth it.