A Letter to my Ex

After almost 8 months of dealing with the finality of what you have done, as well as the end of our once strong relationship, I am no longer angry. I pity you.

So eager to pass the blame and call me a liar, you have turned out to be so much like other exes you once mocked. “We’ll never be like that. Those guys are idiots.” Why yes, yes they are.

You see, it is far easier to demonstrate anger rather than guilt. And I know that what you have become has to be a source of guilt for you.

I have watched as you begged for forgiveness, pleaded that I take you back. But, I have stood strong in my decision.

You see, darling, we outgrew one another. It doesn’t mean that what we had was meaningless; it doesn’t mean that I’ll ever stop loving you. But as I grew stronger in my walk to find myself, you slowly slipped into your indiscretions, and I no longer wanted to have to forgive you for continually hurting me. I realized… I deserve more than that.

Recently, that sad little boy who implored me to forgive him turned bitter. The things you said to me were cruel and hateful and entirely untrue. I stood on the sidelines and observed the once kind, sweet, loving young man who proposed to me was warped by anger and resentment.

As I wept for the loss of any resemblance to the person I once loved, something within me snapped. WHY am I feeling guilty for hurting you, when you have only hurt yourself? Why do I grieve for the old you, when he is no longer within you? And why, after breaking off our engagement many, many months ago, am I still allowing you to hurt me? You know me, and you know the person I am. I am kind, trustworthy, loyal, giving and fully loving.

I understand that you spoke out of anger. And when I was shaking in pain, crying in my mother’s arms, weak and vulnerable for the first time in many years, screaming that I hate you… I realized that I don’t hate you at all. I feel so, so sorry for you.

You took something beautiful, and your selfishness destroyed it. I understand that by demolishing something with your own hands, you feel the need to lash out because the burden is far too heavy. But I am no longer there to carry it for you… you have ensured that.

It’s time for you to move on. Let go of your anger and hatred before it destroys you. You should have been spending this time introspectively, learning who you are and growing through our breakup. Instead you have spent your time alternating between pining for me and hating me-which often involved lashing out at me, and succeeding in cutting me deeply.

As for me, I’m done playing your game. I am learning to be happy again. I have amazing things ahead of me, and I have a great capacity for love that I will not squander any longer.

Mostly, I will NOT apologize for loving myself when you could not.

I loved myself enough to leave, in spite of loving you. But you see-love is not selfish. Your love should have made me stronger, but in the end, there was no longer any to be found.

So, goodbye my dear. It’s time for you to learn to love yourself first. I can no longer hold the mirror for my love to pour onto your own self-reflection. I will remember you always, and I have no regrets. We learned so much from one another.

LET IT GO.

“So love me. So Miss me. Send me love and light every time you think of me… then drop it. It won’t last forever. Nothing does.”

You will survive, and you will be stronger for it.

"I am learning to trust the journey, even when I do not understand it." -Mila Bron